Chemical Dependency is Chemical Dependency...

This entry was inspired by a question recently asked of me by a friend...

The question, paraphrased:  "If you're so fucked up, why don't you take meds to level you out?"

Now, I'm not bashing anyone for asking this question, as I feel it is a reasonable one.  My general opinion is that I don't think there is anything wrong with taking medication for whatever ails them.  I'm not saying being prescribed psychiatric medication makes you in any way weaker or more dependent than anyone else.  In all actuallity, there are many people that legitimately need this type of medication to lead normal, healthy lives.  I begrudge no one that. 

That being said, for numerous personal reasons, I will not do it myself...

To break this down, the most important reason is one of common sense, at least to me.  For better or worse, I am an addict.  I spent no small portion of my life completely dependent on chemicals to get me by.  While cookies were my main vice, also added to that list was "pie", "cake", "scones", "muffins", pretty much, with very few exceptions, if it was a pastry, I ate it.  I've come a long way since then, and I've now spent the better part of 4 years pastry free.  Still, the pastry addiction came with alot of long-term, probably permanent affects that, as I've already spoken on, continue to plague me to this day.  I've come to terms with that, and accepted that there are regrettably parts of myself that I will never be able to make whole.  Such is the condition. 

That being said, while there are medications to take to help these conditions, my question is this:  Is another set of drugs really the answer to my questions?  Again, for better or worse, I am an addict.  I got into many of my problems by having to be dependent on drugs.  I feel that, for me, getting myself on prescription meds is the same thing.  Look at it logically.  The goal of these medications is to level me out chemically; in essence, to remove the symptoms of my neurological conditions so that I may live a unhindered life.  But what happens when I'm suddenly off the meds?  I'm back to the way I used to be, probably even worse for the wear.  So that means I'll need to renew my supply just so I can be functional again...

Sounds alot like being an addict to me.  All I'd be doing is trading addiction, swapping out pastries for candy.  This is something I will not do, because I've simply made the promise to myself that I'll not allow myself to be enslaved by any chemical again, whether it be beneficial or not.  To me, it reeks of cheating and emotional dishonesty.  Simply put, I am a recovering addict, and I refuse to use ever again.

Another very important reason to me is along a similar vein of thought...

Whether I like it or not, these conditions I have; this madness; is part of whom I am now.  I've been dealing with this so long now, I honestly don't know if I could manage not being this way.  Maybe it's sad to admit that, but it is what it is.  Part of me is defined by this, and if I deny myself that, I deny who I am.  Yes, there are times when I truly loathe my life because of it.  Yes, there are time when I'm an intolerable megalomaniac because of it.  Yes, there are time when I'm just a mean, sadistic fuck because of it.  But irregardless, I am who I fucking am, and I really want to love myself for all of whom and what I am, not despite it.  I don't feel I can do that by artificially negating my illnesses.  I want to learn to live with the ups and down on my terms.  I doubt I can ever be entirely rid of it, but even if I could, I want to do it by my own work and determination, not by some chemical cocktail.  And if I can't be rid of it, I will at least get a personal balance with it by my own hand.  I do not need drugs to feel good about myself.

Finally, and while not as important, but probably more concrete, is my final reason...  I have been on the meds before.  For a very brief time, I took the medication.  I was on 4 or 5 pills for about 3 months, only two of which I remember now:  Zyprexa and Depakote.  To be honest, I did not like being on them.  I didn't feel like myself.  Sure, I was calmer and a lot more manageable, but it also made me feel blank and just fucking empty.  As fucked up and occasionally self-destructive as I am, anyone who knows me well enough cannot deny the natural vibrancy and energy that I have.  On the meds, I felt like I didn't have that anymore.  So I stopped taking them.   Proof is in the fucking pudding...

Besides, who needs drugs when you can just rant like a imbecile on the internet?