Nothing get's you drunk quite like power... well except, perhaps, vodka and tonic.
Before I get on with more "serious" matters, I'd like to take a moment to sing the praises of the vodka and tonic, which I am currently enjoying immensely right now. In many things, I tend to be very old school; especially as it concerns my alcohol. While I do thoroughly enjoy the booze, there are very few things that please me more than the classics. Martinis, a nice cold tumbler of whiskey or gin, a perfectly mixed rum and coke; you get the idea. But it has not been until recently that I've discovered my love for the humble, yet sophisticated, vodka and tonic. It is a subtle and complex thing, this drink; just as much intoxicating as it is refreshing. Beyond the smooth tartness of the libation, there is a certain simple, classy appeal to the drink. You can't help but feel that air of old fashioned sophistication while partaking in a nice, chilled glass while enjoying a cigarette. Truly, I think the vodka and tonic has become my favorite indulgence.
But, enough or nurturing the alcoholism of my readers, however small an audience you may be...
In my previous entry, I briefly talked about my dislike of having to be in my own head. My mind is a very chaotic place to be at times. We all have places inside ourself that we keep locked away from others; private places in our consciousness that are just ours. As it so happens, mine are particularly dark; and the sheer hideousness of the thoughts and ideas that dwell withing these places in my mind make the need to venture there most horrific. I don't like facing these parts of myself.; much less the idea that they even exist and that others that have interaction with me may have to face them.
Still, at times, there is a flat neccessity to venture into these areas of the mind.... And for the purposes of this entry, venture there I must.
I find that the best way to face these black spots in the mind is to create a dissociative buffer before diving head first. Now, creating said type of buffer is difficult without aid. Whom, really, can just shut themselves off from things such as fear and trepidation simply by willing it so. Assistance is needed. In my personal case, assistance comes in the form of getting really fucking drunk off of, say, vodka and tonic.
The good news for those of you following this 15 car pileup that is my emotional purging is that I am now well on my way to being drunk...
Let's talk about fears, specifically, my greatest fear. Fear is a very powerful thing, and not entirely a bad thing at that. Fear is the ultimate survival tool. Fear keeps you alive. Let's say you're walking home alone after a night at the bar. You're a little bit drunk, and it's late. You're minding your own business, when suddenly, of to your left, you hear a voice call to you. This voice belongs to a rather large man in a filthy, worn overcoat; and this man possesses a palpable air of menace in no small degree. Instinctively, you know that approaching this man is going to result in much bodily harm occuring to yourself. Do you approach? Obviously not. Why? Because Fear has kicked in and given you a mental image of all the horrifying ways this man is going to, in all likelihood, disembowel and rape your corpse.
So that being said, what is my greatest fear? Being alone? No, I've effectively stood alone for the entirety of my life. Not leaving behind anything meaningful? Heh. In the long run, we're all forgotten as we turn to dust. No big concern to me. No, my biggest fear is to be denied my limitations.
To explain that, let's keep everything that I've thus said in mind. Without these inherent limitations, I'm not exactly sure what I'm capable of. When it comes down to it, I'm not exactly sure how deep my internal darkness goes. Perhaps it's bottomless.
All I know, is that being denied these limitations would be very bad...
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