My first entry here. This should probably be something important, or at least witty and interesting. Maybe this is best served by stating my purpose for doing this? Maybe I should start with a long-winded, oft contradictory diatribe about who I am? Maybe I'm thinking too much about things? Maybe I ask too many fucking questions?
Let's start this by talking of lessons learned. Now, there's a distinction to be made here. There are lessons, and there are lessons. Anyone can recognize and understand a lesson to be learned. Why do we not stick our hand in a fire? Because it get's fucking burned. Lesson Learned. Why do we not downoad that extra filthy bit of german fetish porn from an unsecure source? Because we end up getting a virus and having to shell money far out the ass to get our computer fixed. Lesson Learned. Why do we not drive while drunk? Because in our drunken stupor, we will, in all probability, mow down someone's elderly grandmother; subsequentially spending the next 5-10 years in prison with a manslaughter charge, all the while getting to know our large, heavily tattooed cellmate in ways much more intimate than we'd ever care to... Unless, of course, we're an attractive female or wealthy, in which case, we probably have a bright future in the tabloids... Lesson Fucking Learned...
Then, of course, there are lessons.
These types of lessons tend to be a bit more difficult to quantify in any meaningful way. Often times, you don't even see them coming. There's no clear "cause and effect" indicators like in the above examples. To put it bluntly; really shitty shit happens, and if you're lucky, you learn shit from it. Does it make it feel any better? Not in the least; but hey, at least we can pretend that it was at least worth something. Those of you whom have had to learn these types of lessons will probably inherently understand exactly what I mean by what I just said. For those of you priviledged few that don't, I'll try to better explain with a personal example; after telling you that I seriously envy you and your charmed life. Must be real fucking nice to breeze through life without a worry in the world and nothing but fuzzy thoughts and unicorn shit floating around in your brain... There, I told you. Moving on...
Well, not quite moving on yet, as I feel the need to share another one of the small lessons, that I just now, mere seconds, ago learned. When you want to smoke a cigarettte, and none of your lighters are working; why should we run our lazy asses down to the 7/11, which is no less than a few minutes away, as opposed to, say, using the burner on our stove to light up? Because in the process of doing so, we'll probably end up getting too close to the burner and partially burning our eyebrows. Lesson Fucking Learned.
Yes, I am that stupid. Now, really moving on...
A few years back, I liked to eat cookies; and by "eat cookies", what I really mean is "snort a shit load of cocaine". Seriously, we're talking a thick, fat railroad track of cocaine going right up my nose around every 20 minutes or so. If I had to guess, I'd say I was spending anywhere between $300-$400 a weekend on blow; which, considering that at the time my paychecks were ballparked around $550, should tell you something about my financial condition at the time.
Now, before I go on, if anyone whom has actually read this far into this gibberish thinks I'm about to go onto some war story that boderlines on glorifying an active Tony Montana lifestyle; let me say this first: Fuck you. Now, let me say this second: Cocaine is a horrible, vile, disgusting substance; at least for me. While I'm sure that there are probably at least a number of people that can handle themselves with the occasional responsible use, that's not me. The truth of the matter is, that during this time, I was even more self-destructive, out of control, and batshit insane than I usually am (which all of that I'm sure I'll touch upon in later entries. My emotional agony is you're entertainment). I don't consider myself to be the most decent human being on earth, not by a long shot; but I'd like to think that despite my many flaws and lesser traits, I do have a few redeeming qualities. On coke, there were no redeeming qualities.
Picture for a moment someone completely self-centered, someone with absolutely no regards towards the feelings and rights of others. He's probably a pretty big douchebag, right? Now, take said douchebag, and apply the following qualities to him: Arrogance, Malevolence, Manipulativeness, Dishonesty, Moral Bankruptcy, Bitterness, and Severe Paranoia. Got that in mind? See how he's changed from a pretty big douchebag into the anti-hero of a Bret Easton Ellis novel? Good. Now, take Patrick Bateman here, and make him 6'3", slap on a few tattoos, shave his head, and make him "John Malkovich Hot"; and guess who you're looking at? The asshole whose nonsense you're currently reading, that's who. Bearing all that in mind, it's safe to say that I really didn't have a lot of people who liked me; and those who did I was either buying from or doing with. So yeah, there you have it. Completely alone, completely hooked, and all of that only fueling the negative qualities.
I'm not going to go into a big explanation of how I got clean. It'll suffice to say I did. That's not what's important here. What is important is the lesson I learned all those years ago after getting myself clean. The lesson wasn't that I was a total sociopath on coke, and that my using ever again was a really bad idea. No, it was more important than that. The lesson learned was that I could change...
Which leads me to my point here, and what this whole blog is about. Change. As of late, there are, again, many changes needed for me; as I will eventually explain in later entries. Sometimes, though, you can't directly see what it is that needs changing. That's what this is for. My hopes are that in putting my thoughts, my past, and just myself out there; I'll find those little bits of myself that I'm tired of, and be able to do something about it...
And if anyone reading this get's something out of the inane shit I babble, all the better.
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